having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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