he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You had me at "let me see your balls"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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