the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
