last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
