I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
