I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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