Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
