you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
