my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
