K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My vagina is officially offended.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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