I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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