i would one night stand the shit outta him
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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