he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
