note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
