And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
she peed on how many people?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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