can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
