things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
