So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just gargled with NyQuil
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
