i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize