Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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