It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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