you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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