How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize