a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want to have your abortion
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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