I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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