I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
