he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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