He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
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