If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
