3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
