Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
