sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
