One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You left your phone here
Wait...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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