so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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