Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
FUCK WHALES
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
