I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
