It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
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