you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Come on in and take your pants off
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