Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
