I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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