Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize