My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize