he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
