ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
