There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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