I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
