You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
