Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
