you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just cropdusted the office
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize