i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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