and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
