I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
