shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
