Jerry, you need to find god
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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