I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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